Hello to all.
I have a confession to make: I went on a spending spree, that I actually could not afford.
When one has limited funds, even one thousand dollars, is a great deal of money to spend, on even necessary things.
There were days that a thousand dollars meant one cent to me. My credit cards had a balance of 40k per month average, each one of them and there were many. They were paid off always, to the last penny, every month, the very next day the bill arrived.
Those days are long gone. They will come back, because I hate being poor. I hate it more, than I detest being sick.
I bought more undergarments, because they were on sale and I loved them. A few here and there should have sufficed. But I bought, as if I was going to be alive for more than one year, so that I could get to wear them out.
I bought more dancing shoes, when only 3 pair would have sufficed. I will need at least 5 years to wear those out, with constant lessons, practice and general partying.
They were beautiful, they were ridiculously low priced -I could not resist.
When they arrived, I put them all out, arranged them beautifully and I kept admiring them.
The meticulous craftsmanship and the shiny colors of the shoes. The bold colored, practical, but utterly beautiful and some sexy undergarments. I was so happy. It did not cross my mind, even for a second, this act was rather foolish, especially with a premature ending to everything, looming over my head.
That would have been an acceptance of the "death sentence" I was given. That would have meant catastrophic results to my fragile emotions.
I do not know, but I am perceived as strong. I do not feel strong at all. I feel vulnerable and exposed to hidden and obvious dangers, with no ammunition and no fighting gear. I can not stay on my diet. Its a daily struggle. I can not smile easily, it is a chore. Finding joy in things, is an unattainable goal. Where is this strength that everybody is congratulating me for?
I think they refer to my newly found strong faith in God. When I look at my situation up closer, I find and I listen to a quiet current of relentless determination running, almost in total silence. It is a constant flow of hopes and dreams, with a few rocks and other debris getting in the way, slowing down the flow.
So, sometimes, I have to do some "irrational" acts to defy the logic that would be appropriate, according to what I was told. Having been given 12 months to live maximum -out of which 6 have passed already- and buying items for the next 3 years, is a total act of incogruency to the facts.
It was necessary for my survival. I do not accept the death sentence.
With God's help and infinite Grace, I shall live long enough to wear and get a lot of joy from my new lingerie. I will be given many nights and opportunities, to dance long nights away.
This is what keeps me going. If it means, I have to wok extra hard, until 4 in the morning, to pay off the seemingly "unnecessary" purchases, so be it.
They are my oxygen, the engine that pumps life in my lungs and makes me want to keep on living.
Therefore they are worth it.
My fellow warriors, think like that too. It helps. DO NOT GIVE UP TO LOGIC. LONG LIVE THE MIRACLES, because they happen.