Since I have been declared a "terminal case," I belong to a Hospice. I am an outpatient, as of now.
I have a wonderful nurse assigned to me, a social worker, access to volunteers for errands, and many other "tools," designed for people in need of help living their life with some kind of normalcy.
June, my nurse, makes weekly visits to my residence. Sometimes more often, if she decides I am in need of a visit and I do not ask. She is an angel.
Today, during her routine visit, in the middle of giving instructions about something or other, she inserted this: "Kalli, you do not have to be stoic about this whole thing. This is not time for stoicism."
Come again? I have been accused of a lot of things, but "stoicism?", that was a first for me.
Being stoic and I, do not belong in the same sentence.
I can be temperamental, moody, pushy,"spilling my guts out," when nobody wants to hear anything, whiny, but STOIC, no. I wish I were one, but I am not.
Who knows how poorly I looked and my misery, thanks to the physical pain, was probably written all over my face, for June to make that remark. I guess my complaining was not intense enough, for the level of pain I was experiencing, hence the "do not be a stoic" remark.
What June and most people do not know is, that I am more miserable for another reason.
Living with cancer is devastating. Not having a steady source of income from work that one enjoys, is horrible. I have to deal with both of these issues and they both torture me. But, they are nothing, compared to the real reason of my perennial sadness of these days.
I am crying myself to sleep, not because of fear or physical agony, but because I miss him. That person that comes only once, if you are lucky, in your lifetime. The one that gives you the kind of happiness that you can only imagine.
I got lucky for a while in this lifetime and I met him. I experienced with him the most intense human feelings. He gave me so much happiness, that, if there is another level, I can not even fathom it.
The source of my happiness left me a long time ago. We outgrew each other, but stayed co-dependent for a long time. Even then, I was not as unhappy, as I am right now. I always had hope, that the person that I loved so much and loved me back in return, with the same catastrophic intensity, would appear suddenly again, after a long absence.
Now, it is official, he left forever. I will never see him again, because it is impossible.
I want to scream "June, I am miserable, because he is not here; he will never be here, ever again."
I have nobody to hold my hand and tell me that "we are in this together, we shall overcome, no matter how hard it becomes."
The irony of the whole thing is that, even if he had not left me, he was not going to be supportive at all. The person he had become was not the same person that I loved. He had stopped loving me and he was brutally cruel to me many times for the last 10 years. He was totally insensitive towards my illness and its ramifications; I should be hating him.
I do not miss him per se. I miss the person that I met a long time ago. The one who would give up his life for me. I miss having a partner in life, who made me as happy, as he did.
Ever since he left, all the lights have dimmed down. Life is not as sparkly any more.
The fact that I may be dead in a few months or years, does not phase me. I would gladly sacrifice even some time, from the little that I was given, by the so called "experts."
I would give up as much, as would be asked for, so that I could spend the rest of the precious time left with him by my side. The one, who loved me and made us the center of our own universe. The one, who adored me and accepted me with all my flaws and problems. Not the person he had turned into, a callous, selfish, cruel, bully.
I miss that person so much, that, if it were not for some people, whom I love a great deal, I would "throw in the towel." If, I did not have my son, whom I love more than anything on this planet, my few close friends (Despina, Ornella, Elias,) my love and faith in The Higher Power, I would give up.
But, I am not going to give up. I shall fight, because I know that the people that I love, love me back. They would miss me.
I have an ethical obligation to preserve my life, to make every attempt to prolong it. And I shall.
To whomever out there, ill or in perfect health:
If you have people, whom you love and close to you, let them know, how much you love them back.
Be grateful you have them, especially a husband, a wife, a significant other.
I find life intolerable without a mate. Cancer, I can battle and live with. Missing my dead love and having to go on without him, is pure torture.
I hope and wish none of you out there reading this, has to experience either kind of pain.