I am writing this text in a bold color with the hope that I will attract the reaction that I am looking for.
I am very grateful, pleased, flattered and I have a sense of accomplishment, when I receive comments, about what I am writing on the blog. The problem is, that they are done mostly in person.
Part of my daily routine is to visit, when time or energy levels permit, institutions with people afflicted by cancer or other very difficult diseases. I go to hospices and I do not do much, because I can't, due to my own difficult situation. My main mission is to make them feel remembered. To put a smile on their face. To celebrate somebody's birthday by "butchering" a dance or two in their honor.
Yesterday in specific, because it is 2:20AM EST right now, I visited a hospice, where I am rather popular.
An older gentleman, named Norm, confined in a wheelchair, stopped me while, I was passing through the isles.
"Darling, before you leave tonight, will you please read to me, even for 5 minutes?" he was almost pleading with me.
When we do not have other activities, one of my contributions there, is reading or simply visiting and talking to patients, about anything, they desire. Many of them expressed this wish. Many phrased it in the usual cliche "read to me, even if you are reading, from the package of a toothpaste, as long we can listen to your voice."
Yesterday, Norm was holding my hand, kissed the palm of it, not the top and he put his request in this way.
"Kalli, you have not written often enough recently. But, even worse, I miss your video blogging more. Because then, I do not need anybody to read to me. I put your voice, next to my pillow and I fall asleep listening to you. Will you please, put a smile on my face before you leave? I want to know that the last thing, before I go with Morpheus tonight, will be your voice."
I am aware that many of these people love my voice and my accent more than what I am saying, even though they deny it vehemently. Many discuss what I am writing and it pleases me, when I see them touched. I was wondering, why they never bothered to leave a comment, never mind becoming followers; that last one is not that important. But, I would have loved to hear everybody's comments, every time. I can not be there to hear it in person.
I found out, after a bit of asking and digging around, there were two main reasons.
The first I understood and empathized a great deal, because I suffer from it too. Intimidation from technology. In the past, I tried to leave comments in other people's blogs and I had to give up in frustration, because many steps were involved and something or other would go wrong and I ended up with my opinion unexpressed and me just frustrated.
So I gave up, more than once.
The second reason, was and still is to me, surprising and somewhat fascinating, because I can not identify. The common denominator for the reason that people avoided leaving comments, even though they were dying to get a hold of me, to tell me their opinion in person, was the fact that the subject matter, even funny many times, deals with CANCER. They do not want to admit in "black and white" staring at them, that they are suffering from the same problem that I am. It is OK to read stories and incidents about it, as long as they are not involved.
That is why they admire my courage, as they put it, to talk so openly about it. I asked a doctor and a brief explanation he gave me was that, by not talking about it, they think they deny the situation and they hide from it.
Well ladies and gentlemen, who are reading this. First, as I said before, I can not meet and talk to each one of you individually and discuss, what I am writing in these pages. I wish I could, I would not mind; it is logistically impossible. Secondly, what is wrong, in admitting we are ill? There is no shame to it.
I made the vow to everybody out there to be honest, uncensored, raw and real. I promised to allow my pain to show, my goofiness not to stop me from sharing some silly things that I do. I promised to share my desperate and joyful moments, days and incidents.
I understand the intimidation coming from the technology, which is foreign to us. But, if I can do it, so can you.
If I am willing to open up to you so much, I would love a bit of reciprocation. Make me feel less lonely in this difficult journey. You make me so happy, when you tell me in person, how much you admire me for being me. Tell me in the comment section too, please.
My challenges will feel lighter, if I know that you are out there, supporting me mentally.
If my voice or a thought of a silly deed of mine, puts a smile on your face, let me know. If my pain reaches you and a tear drop falls, let me know. It is only fair. I need your support too. I am alone and scared. But I came to terms with my fate. I am not hiding from it. I am just living day by day, trying to do my best with my time and, if I know there are so many of you behind me, I grow wings.
So, please do not hide in the shadows. Every so often, just push that button that says "comments" and say anything at all, even if it is anything as simple as, "keep on going Kalli, we are with you."