WHY I AM STILL HERE.

I have not written for a while, because I have not been feeling really well. All and all, I should be thankful, because I am living longer than I was given. I still function, but my energy is lower, because on top of everything, I was informed that the Epstein Bar virus is present in my blood. It makes one very tired on a permanent basis. From what I hear, it can be totally debilitating. Thank my lucky stars, I only need some extra rest. I can not work out as rigorously, as I would like to, because it is good for my health and my mental outlook. I have to wait it out. I was told, eventually it works its self out of one's system.

I have been experiencing unusually high levels of pain. I tolerate as much as I can, the rest I help my system ride through it with the help of painkillers. I take the minimum, because I would turn into an addict, if I took everything that is prescribed to me. I do not feel like being "high" on a permanent basis. It does not agree with me. I get nauseous and I can not work or function as a normal human being. I still have to fulfill responsibilities like every one else. I need to pay my bills, do my shopping, some cooking, cleaning and all the mundane chores we all have to perform, like them or not.

I could easily give up and do nothing. Nobody would blame me. They can see I am not well. But that is the whole point. If I gave up, then cancer would have won. We are suppose to be warriors. I want to be an example to others, who are told that they are "history." There are many of us, who have been told that our days are numbered and it is a very difficult concept to deal with. That is why I decided to write about it. I video blog under "nature vs. meds" in You Tube, recording and sharing, what I am doing, trying to stay alive with quality of life. Not poisoned with the toxins of chemotherapy, not burned with radiation, but by trying to eat differently, taking supplements and the most important part, trying to think and act differently. Being positive is such a cliche, that I cringe as I am writing about it. But it is true. It is a very difficult task for most people, because life is hard for everyone out there. Can you imagine how hard it is for us, who have been "sentenced to death" by doctors? We have been given months to put our affairs in order and prepare to depart.

I had a horrible experience with the medical establishment this past week. I was treated, as if I have been written off by every one. I was misdiagnosed, given antibiotics that I did not need, was refused a PET scan to see where my cancer situation stands, since my CEA levels in my blood have fallen significantly. It was and still is a nightmare. It took all my energy and free time, fighting the bureaucracy to get some basic tests.  Meanwhile, I know and I have experienced that a big part of fighting this disease, is staying calm and finding joy and laughter. How can anybody do that with all the odds against him/her?  I shall tell  you how, by saying "I shall not let you win, cancer."

 I am aspiring to be an example to many souls that feel beaten up, exhausted by the fight, weakened by pain, discouraged by the results and the difficulty of the ordeal. I hear you, I understand you. I am in your shoes. I suffer enormously too. But, like in any war, let us close wagons. Let us support each other and accept help from whomever is willing to give us a helping hand. DO NOT GIVE UP. Even if I manage to inspire one person, to dust off himself, stand up and go on, bloodied up and all, I will have achieved my purpose.

Three years ago, I woke up from a coma that almost ended my life. I am still having trouble walking, because of nerve damage. I feel there is a reason, why God spared me.  For the first two years I was trying to figure out the reason. Until it finally unfolded in front of me. I must help others in this difficult journey. This is my mission. Whether I feel well or not, I still have to try. I have to be an example for others on how, not to give up easily. It is one thing to say it, especially by somebody, who is not suffering first hand and another to actually go through the whole excruciating experience yourself.

If  you are a cancer patient, especially in the same predicament as I, I implore you, join me in the fight. Do not let the tide take you under without resistance. Do whatever your instinct tells you is appropriate for your body. Do your research, ask others, try different venues that other individuals with the same disease have practiced and they are still here. That is what I do. I constantly communicate with people, who are still here, despite the prognosis , they were given, years ago. Their relatives are kind enough to provide me with much needed knowledge about the subject of cancer. I absorb the information and I try to practice as much of the given "advice" as possible. I want to share it with you too. Try and see, what agrees with you and pick and choose your regimen. Watch my video blogs "nature vs. meds" and let me know what you think. We shall even try to cook recipes appropriate mainly for cancer patients.

I am still here. I must be doing something right. Mainly, I believe that I am still here, because God decided so. I have to serve the Higher Power by serving others. I am being asked to share my information with church congregations and different support groups. I am honored to do so. I shall continue, for as long as I can. Meanwhile, I would be so grateful, if some of you kind souls, who read and share my journey, to give me some feed back. I am lonely and scared too. I need the support too. Please, give me a helping hand, by letting me know that you hear my plea. I thank you all.

HAS THE LIGHT STARTED DIMMING?

I have not written for a while now, because I have been feeling poorly. Not just simple aches and dull pains. Not just lack of energy and dysthymia. The last 12 days have been HARD.

It started with just a sense of over fatigue, more than the usual, daily "I have to push my self, no matter how hard this task is." Getting up and down the stairs was a major accomplishment. The word "invitation" to even the most desirable event, came with fear. The pain was daily, ranging from dull to intense and continuous. The intake of painkillers became more often, because without them, I would be doubling over and screaming from pain.

It is exactly 6 months ago, when the "death sentence" was given to me. It read "life expectancy 6 months to a year."  I did and I am still doing everything that I am supposed to "starve" the cancer cells. I am very careful with my diet and my supplements. I try to exercise, but during the 10 last days, it has proven impossible.  Were the doctors right? Should I start preparing for my "departure?" I shall have the usual tests done and a PET scan, which shows exactly where the tumors are, as soon as my oncologist , can arrange for one.

I was ready for a miracle. I thought God wanted me to stay for a little longer. I started a business that will benefit, not just cancer patients, but patients afflicted by similar diseases. It will not be ready until the end of April, beginning of May, when I shall announce and invite everybody to participate and help all the hurt, wounded birds. I feel my wings are broken today. They do not seem to want to mend. But I need them. I need to fly for a little longer, so that millions of of others can benefit.

If I do not feel well, I can not help the ones that are in more difficult situations. I can not volunteer for Reiki sessions, or massage, or simple driving. I am becoming a burden myself. This coming Wednesday, I have to take my room mate, who is also afflicted by cancer, for her last procedure to finish reconstruction of her lost breasts. She counts on me. I have to feel well.

Whoever is reading this, please say a prayer for us. Just a simple request to the Higher Power to gift me a little more time to finish what I started.  I  am like the rest of the gravely ill people. I want to live years to see my son succeed in life, get married, create a family, procreate, the cliche, simple things that  most people expect out of life. I want that too. But, the way thing are going, I shall settle for a "time window" to finish the projects that I started. It is not a matter of pride or ego for the first time. I simply want to see with my own eyes, that we can all be "heroes" to others. I want to be alive to see the smile and the happiness, hopefully, that my efforts will bring. Because I am convinced, they will.

I am aware that once in place, somebody else can run my projects and make them succeed. It is fine with me. All I want is to see  the start of their  blooming. People enjoying the reasons, I created them. Just a little more time, Lord.
I am not asking for Healing. If that is in the cards, it will be given to me, by my Jesus. He is my Guiding Light in this dreadful darkness. I shall ask him to give me a "pass" for a little bit longer. Can you ask your Guides or your source of Light, whatever it is, on my behalf, for the same? I will be so grateful.

My love and blessings from a Higher Power to all of you. Be kind to a person in pain. Extend your hand in support. You have no idea what it means to individuals with very few people in their lives, as myself. I depend on your kindness. You are not strangers to me. You are compassionate souls that I can not see and hear everyday. I wish I could. Some of you, are childhood friends, some friends made in this country. Most are total strangers. I am thankful to all. You are all supportive in your own way. From Vaya my 13 yr old "little diamond" as I call her, from Greece, the daughter of a childhood friend of mine, who also suffers from cancer, to Despina , my older "diamond" in my life. From Oceana, whom I never met, but I can not help but love, because she is so loving herself, to my own child, who is stoically watching his mom dying,  trying to keep a brave appearance and make her comfortable.

Thank you all. I am sure God is going to listen to every body's prayer and He will decide what the outcome will be. And that will be fine with me. I know, at least I tried.