Saturday, February 4, 2012

When you look at the abyss and the abyss is looking back

I have been trying to recover from a light case of pneumonia since November. I brought a bad cough from a trip to the Caribbean, which stayed unattended and turned into pneumonia.

My doctor, being overcautious, as she should be, ordered a cat scan of my lungs to make sure that we were not dealing just with pneumonia. She wanted to make sure that cancer had not migrated there too.

Being a terminal cancer patient is a frightening concept. Having refused any more chemotherapy and other standard western medical treatments, make it worse. The people around you make sure to remind you that you are committing suicide by refusing all the extra toxins in your system, which rob you of any quality of life.

I am an athlete, a dancer and a hyperactive person. Chemotherapy damaged so far most of my nerve endings. If I continued taking it, I would never be able to dance again. Because I stopped it, after the very first session, the second time around, I can dance.

I take no medication that counteracts the cancer cells, therefore I have no side effects.

But, the night before the c-scan, I could not sleep, not even for an hour.

What would I do, if it had gone to the lung? What if the pain increased? I have no intention of taking any new cancer fighting drugs, because of the devastating side effects. But, if the pain gets unbearable, I shall not say no to the strong pain killers.

The abyss , dark, impenetrable, mysterious, frightful, bottomless, was looking back at me, during my sweaty, disturbed attempt for sleep.

What does one do in cases like these?

I , pray and then I surrender. Not to the abyss. That I will fight, till the end. To a Higher Power and fate.

It turned out, my lung is improving drastically and my CEA(cancer levels) dived dramatically the last two months. We shall discuss this in another session. The doctors are mystified, I am not; I shall share the whys with you eventually.

To all of you who see the "abyss" in one way or another and it makes you sweat, I suggest to you to look right back with no fear, just determination that it will not absorb you. It will not, unless you let her.
Tell her to go f... her self and go scare somebody else. You are a warrior, you worry, but you do not give up that easily.

Bonus point for me and strictly for laughs. The inside satisfaction must have been reflecting on the outside, because I got out of a ticket, the officer claimed "blond sex bombs do not get tickets," the manager of a  specialty store gave to me a new imported Dutch torte for free to "test" it and the good-looking guy I had my eye on, asked my out for Friday night. He is petrified, because we are going
dancing among other things and he is intimidated, because of my dancing background. He seems to forget my foot nerve endings are still repairing, I can not be that good. Who cares?

Not bad for a woman who is supposed to be dying. Let it be a lesson to all of you who think of yourselves as damaged goods. We are not. I shall tell you stories constantly, until I prove it to you. If you do not believe me, I shall have to post pictures of all the foolish things I do and get away with them.

Until then, I love you all, you, the rotten ones too.

Your fellow warrior,