Saturday, February 4, 2012
The "CANCER" card
I have always been a spoiled, only child, strong willed, somewhat arrogant and "full of myself." And why not?
In this society, and actually in most societies, looks, education, charisma, will give you everything. People will step on each other to be in your field of gravity.
Today, as I usually do daily recently, at the end of each day , I take stock of what I did during the day. Did I accomplish anything that I wanted or needed? Did I find at least one thing that made me laugh? Did I perform an act of "random kindness" so I could brag to God in my prayers? Things like that.
Well, now that I am thinking, how my day went, I want to hide. I am ashamed of it, but I shall share it with you, because only this way I shall stop doing, what I have been doing all day long. Playing the "illness card" like a 4 yr. old, so that I can get my way.
It started morning, in the bakery shop, where a young girl ahead of me could not make up her mind, what pastry she wanted. After a couple of mind changes and silent thinking in between, I lost my temper and I yelled my order on top of her little head.
"But, it is my turn, she whined softly."
"But, I have cancer." Yes, that was my mature answer, to which nobody said anything.
I got handed my order ahead of the girl and did not think anything of it.
In the afternoon, I stopped by the local library. Coming out of the car, I got reprimanded by an older gentleman for parking in the "handicapped" zone.
"Well, I have cancer, what is your excuse, being prehistoric?"
What came over me and I was so rude?
Later in the evening, all dressed up for dinner in a fancy restaurant, I was getting restless waiting for our turn to be seated. It was way past our reservation time and three couples were in a heated argument on who's turn was to get seated. I simply grubbed the menus from the Host's hand and I said "the table is mine, because I have cancer." And I told the Host to lead the way.
Nobody said anything and I got my way, as usually. It was rather funny every time, and totally uncalled for.
Dressed and made up over the top like Marilyn Monroe, but claiming cancer as an excuse to get ahead. Mature, very mature.
Now that I think about it, I realize that there was nothing funny about what I did. I just acquired and started using a new excuse to get my way.
Having cancer and using it as an excuse, like I do, lightly and for personal gain, for even the pettiest of things, is wrong.
It is good on one hand, that I do not concern myself too seriously with it, but I should stop using it as a tool of manipulation.
I shall try.
I shall not hold my breath that I will succeed. Having cancer comes in handy many times and it is difficult to resist using it to get what you want. I shall still try, I really will try to do the right thing.
And if you believe me, you need to take some classes in "Modern Cynicism."