Tuesday, May 22, 2012


I never thought I would say these words out loud. It has been some time since I visited my own blog. I had forgotten what I had written about, courtesy to the chemotherapy that I took 3 years ago, but mainly due to the fact that I was in a coma. My short term memory suffers a great deal. The lapses of memory scare me sometimes, because I had a great memory. It is what it is. I have to deal with it.

On Saturday May 5th, the night of that glorious full moon, a very close childhood friend of mine, left this earth. Her name was Ioanna. She was one of the most perfect human beings , one could have the privilege of meeting. I need way too much space to write about her ethical, sunny, but strong as steel character. Her brilliant mathematician's brain, her contributions to her family, her friends, strangers. All her life she was battling one adverse situation, after another, with a smile on her face and love and attention left for all of us.

Life finally turned around for her. Her lot in life had started looking enviable with a wonderful husband, who survived a bout with cancer, a great career for both of them and mostly important with an absolutely beautiful, intelligent and talented daughter. They built a new home for their family and bought a summer house in an unusual, very pretty, next to a beach, area in Greece, where they reside.

When I visited my home town, she was the very first person I was used to talk to. Her home was open to me, any time, any day. Her dear husband accepted me as part of her family. We had great moments together every time I visited, memories that make me smile even right now.

Then a few months ago, she got in touch with me and without melodramatics, she explained that she was battling the same battle, I am fighting.  She made the decision to fight cancer the conventional way with chemotherapy. Her daughter and I tried to influence her to give the "natural way" a chance. I took some chemotherapy and I am happy I stopped it. It would have killed me by now. I may still die soon, but at least the quality of my life has not been destroyed as Ioanna's.

I had spoken to her only a few days before I got the news that she "departed." I knew she was suffering, I just did not know how much.  I still grieve. I still cry late at nights, despite the fact that I know, she is "free" now. How am I going to go, if I am meant to visit my home town again, and she will not be there? How am going to face her husband and daughter?

All of a sudden, I want to be here for a few more years. I do not dare to dream of being cured. I was declared "terminal" with absolute confidence, by my doctors. I dare to think of a miracle that I may stretch the 6 months to 6 years, may be. My son still needs me. People love to see me show up at their support groups or churches and tell my story. Heads that are hanging in desperation, rise and a smile of hope shows up in people's faces. They are not alone. God saved me once after the coma and he is giving me an extension in life now. I want many people to hear this. I am a miracle walking. I want to live a bit longer, so more people will be inspired to fight back, before giving up without a fight.

If you are reading this, will you pass it on to someone, who has lost all hope and is full of sadness and anger, why this is happening to him/her? Tell them about me.  Persuade them that miracles DO happen. Not too often, but they do. I am praying for a miracle for myself. To keep on going, helping others in this difficult journey and be here for a few more years. As many as God deems I deserve or need to be here. Please pass it around.You have no idea, what a great gesture you will be doing, showing another human being to believe, have faith and hope. Point at the miracle that is still here, ME. God's grace keeps me here and helps me everyday. If you are in a similar situation, share it with me. I need encouragement too. The rest of you healthy, good people, support us in our difficult course, please.  Thank you on behalf of all of us, who need support and encouragement. 

Thursday, May 3, 2012


How many times have you been told, or you read yourself "live for today," "forget the past" or similar variations of the previous saying? I know I have, numerous times. I have been guilty of not being able to practice it. Why should I? My past was better than my present. My past was full of fond memories. It had its bad ones too, but the joyful ones outnumbered the sad ones. My past included love, passion, family, material comforts, family, celebrations,so much, sooo, so much.

What do I have now? I am fighting death from cancer, I have no material goods, no handsome, affectionate husband, no home (my beloved house caught fire,) nobody significant other, who can make me sweat thinking about him, no close friends close by, no family members, besides my son- in other words, I have  very little.

It took me years to walk outside my previous house. Last year was the first time. I walked by it slowly, looking at it with eyes full of tears and an upset stomach. The idea that "others" were using MY bedroom, MY yard, MY bathrooms, MY everything, made me literally ill. Since then, I managed to pass by the house and pay attention to the changes that the new residents made. I resented them. How dared they? They tore down the little flower beds that the previous owner had built meticulously in a feng shui fashion and I maintained them as well as I could. I was becoming ill every time I noticed a new change the "barbarians" imposed on the house. I felt robbed, violated and homeless. What a preposterous feeling. My brain knew it, but my heart was refusing to accept it.

About two months ago, I started having pain associated with my illness that I did not have before. All of a sudden my priorities changed. If I missed work outs or dance practice, it did not seem important. Most of my days, I had to spend a considerable amount of time and energy in calming the pain down. One of those days, I walked by my house (in my mind, it is still my house.)  This time I needed the walk for my feet, which have been hit by neuropathy and the sun, which hits this part of the country not too often. I looked up at the house and it suddenly was just a beautiful house. Well maintained, it suffered from absence of color, because there were no flowers; they had been destroyed, so that nobody had to bother with their up keep. The grass was neglected and there were no wind chimes and bird feeders, as before. Selfish, crass, lacking of taste, people. That is all that crossed my mind. I was feeding the birds and I even had a bird fountain running constantly from Spring to Winter.

I did not throw up. I did not resent the people. I judged them-couldn't help that part- but I did not resent them. All of a sudden, I was breathing better. I was walking faster and my head was not hanging down with tears all over my face. I was facing my tormentor. My fear and the feeling of being homeless. I realized a new home was waiting for me out there. There is a reason, to which I am not privy as of right now, why I am not the owner of that house any longer.

I do not cry about it anymore. It did not happen overnight. I am struggling with my past, even as I am writing right now. One less thing  to deal with, the house. I am not sad about the house any more. It is not mine  any longer. It will never be mine again. I can live with that. I want a new one. One that will hold new memories, happier than the old ones. All I have to do is ask for what I do every night, a miracle. I need to have faith that I will survive to create new experiences. I finally understood that I was allowing my past to make me sicker.

If you are in a similar predicament-whether you are ill or healthy and simply unhappy- I am asking you to take stock of this particular subject in your life. Is your past blocking your present and eventually your future? Just take a quick, examining look at the subject. Be merciless in your assessment. If the answer is even a weak yes, do something about it. I know I have to work on more important issues from the past. The house was the easiest of them all. At least I started. Your turn now.  I shall report my progress. Will you share yours? It is therapeutic for all of us. It takes courage to strip your soul for the world to see. But it is worth it. People come out of nowhere in support of the truth and real need. Trust me. I am experiencing it and I am so grateful. Will you join us?