Wednesday, March 21, 2012


"Grouchy old men" have nothing on these creatures.

Today an incident reminded me that the picture of an older, kind faced, sweet, smiling, inviting you to her warm embrace woman, is or has become, an urban myth.

I belong to the same gym for 22yrs. It is national, so no matter where I go, I have access to my fitness routine. During these years, I have made many casual friends there. We formed different groups. The "die hards," the "simply regulars,"the "socialites," the "shoppers," and some other ones. I belong to the "die hards," but I socialize with all of them. There are interesting characters in all of them.

What I want to get off my chest is a medley of some incidents that happened, involving old gals that stuck in my mind. Now, as an older, middle aged woman myself, I will try to remember that I am supposed to get better with time, not bitter and annoying as these ladies.

I shall start with today's incident, because it is fresh and it still makes me laugh, when I think about it.

Today was X's birthday. She is turning 76. She is saying she is 62 and presents herself as 58 in the dating website we both belong. It would be good and all, if she had had some plastic surgery, something  done to cover up somewhat the passage of time on her. Because old man Time has been very cruel to her. Granted, she should be thankful for her perfect health, her energy to show up at the gym like clockwork 3 times a week and having being prudent with her financial affairs, free of economic worries.
She is also a red head, she still keeps it VERY red, therefore her nickname "carrot top," with light skin. Back in those days, I hear, they were not using sunblock at all. Personally, I almost sleep with it on. I slap it on, even in snow storms AND 20 below zero weather AND indoors. Not our friend. She keeps a slim, svelte figure of a 4'10, 90p frame, out of which you can make a bag and a pair of matching shoes, from the extra skin that is hanging and proudly presented for all of us to see and want to barf.

Today, when she announced her birthday, I think I was the only one, who forced my self to offer some kind of  a "good wish." Right away the tirade started in a loud, shrieking voice, how cold our fellow human beings are. First, everybody ignores her birthday and second the men from the dating site, whom she practically begged to take her out, offered only coffee.
" Those cheap bastards, they do not even ask you for a simple meal anymore.  F...g aholes, all they want is sex!!!!"
"Really, and you turned them down?" I hear W.'s voice right behind us.
Oops, this is not going to turn well, I thought.
"How dare you say that? I am a lady."
"OK, if you say so, but daaaaaamn lady, you are older than dirt. You should be thankful, ANYBODY is willing to take you out for anything," W. is talking with his perennial chewing gum and his "don't give a shit about anything, except hot chicks, attitude."
Bingo. X, exploded. Her face turned red as a poppy and those lungs, oh boy, those lungs, fired like pistons. Every bad word, ever said to a man, was uttered with a volume, intented to be heard at least up to the moon.  Hands, feet, mouth, all were moving at the same time, while saliva was dowsing, poor W's face.

He stood there with a poker face, while she was jumping up and down, trying to go close to his face(he is over 6 feet tall.) His beefy arms were folded in front of his chest, you could see his 6 pack from under his second skin shirt, his lips were semi-departed, so that his pearly white, teeth could still blind anybody in a 5 mile radius, head tilted somewhat to the side, gazing at her in a patronizing way.

After X ran out of breath and calmed down a bit, W. went to the second floor, where the tracking circle is located and he announced that he would pick up the tab, if somebody could take "an angry, old, broad out, for her birthday" and he would throw an extra $300 for the trouble.
He got a standing ovation but no takers were located.

X then proceeded to curse almost any male in her path on the way out, especially the older gentlemen for "knowing better" for "not appreciating, what a catch she was" and variations of these complaints.

The coup d' etat of the whole episode.
Another gentleman who is W's caliber, tall, dark, extraordinarily good looking and a professional model, was celebrating his birthday  today too. Only, not only he had a thousand invitations, but to be exact 4 ladies, baked a cake for him from scratch. He just had an injury, so they were trying to make him feel better, on top of everything. By the way, I got a bouquet of carrots for my birthday, because I am not supposed to eat sugar. A BOUQUET OF CARROTS!!! How f...g humiliating.

X saw that and she grabbed one of them, threw it at Mario (birthday gorgeous boy,) missed him, because Mario is young and his reflexes are still perfect and the cake  hits Norm. Norm is old, even though, he is one of those old guys that you want to tear their clothes off. Norm is an ex professional athlete. His entire body is a map of surgeries. He is also a cancer patient. He has rods all over his body, supporting his bones. He walks with a slight limp and he could not avoid the coming pie, with nothing.
So, poor Norm, getting ready to get on the treadmill, dressed in his always pristine white outfit, finds himself the target of a multicolored cake hitting him smack on the chest, turning him into a fancy looking pinata.

The expression on each person's face was priceless. Where is a camera, when you one needs one? Reality TV. can not touch anything like that. Somebody said, he caught part of the action on his "smart phone" camera and he may upload it on You tube.

Oh man, just for that alone, it was worth going to the gym today.

Lesson of the day. When the time comes to retire as a sexy ingenue, let us do it with grace. There is a lot we lose with age. We can fight it as much as we can. When it is time to withdraw, may the Good Lord give us the logic to not lose our dignity, along with our looks. We do not have to turn into bitter, older women and take our fury on men, because they want us younger. It is, what it is.

I am tired for another story. That took a long time. I am still laughing, while I am saying
"Goodnight and sweet dreams to all of you." 


No comments:

Post a Comment