Thursday, May 3, 2012


How many times have you been told, or you read yourself "live for today," "forget the past" or similar variations of the previous saying? I know I have, numerous times. I have been guilty of not being able to practice it. Why should I? My past was better than my present. My past was full of fond memories. It had its bad ones too, but the joyful ones outnumbered the sad ones. My past included love, passion, family, material comforts, family, celebrations,so much, sooo, so much.

What do I have now? I am fighting death from cancer, I have no material goods, no handsome, affectionate husband, no home (my beloved house caught fire,) nobody significant other, who can make me sweat thinking about him, no close friends close by, no family members, besides my son- in other words, I have  very little.

It took me years to walk outside my previous house. Last year was the first time. I walked by it slowly, looking at it with eyes full of tears and an upset stomach. The idea that "others" were using MY bedroom, MY yard, MY bathrooms, MY everything, made me literally ill. Since then, I managed to pass by the house and pay attention to the changes that the new residents made. I resented them. How dared they? They tore down the little flower beds that the previous owner had built meticulously in a feng shui fashion and I maintained them as well as I could. I was becoming ill every time I noticed a new change the "barbarians" imposed on the house. I felt robbed, violated and homeless. What a preposterous feeling. My brain knew it, but my heart was refusing to accept it.

About two months ago, I started having pain associated with my illness that I did not have before. All of a sudden my priorities changed. If I missed work outs or dance practice, it did not seem important. Most of my days, I had to spend a considerable amount of time and energy in calming the pain down. One of those days, I walked by my house (in my mind, it is still my house.)  This time I needed the walk for my feet, which have been hit by neuropathy and the sun, which hits this part of the country not too often. I looked up at the house and it suddenly was just a beautiful house. Well maintained, it suffered from absence of color, because there were no flowers; they had been destroyed, so that nobody had to bother with their up keep. The grass was neglected and there were no wind chimes and bird feeders, as before. Selfish, crass, lacking of taste, people. That is all that crossed my mind. I was feeding the birds and I even had a bird fountain running constantly from Spring to Winter.

I did not throw up. I did not resent the people. I judged them-couldn't help that part- but I did not resent them. All of a sudden, I was breathing better. I was walking faster and my head was not hanging down with tears all over my face. I was facing my tormentor. My fear and the feeling of being homeless. I realized a new home was waiting for me out there. There is a reason, to which I am not privy as of right now, why I am not the owner of that house any longer.

I do not cry about it anymore. It did not happen overnight. I am struggling with my past, even as I am writing right now. One less thing  to deal with, the house. I am not sad about the house any more. It is not mine  any longer. It will never be mine again. I can live with that. I want a new one. One that will hold new memories, happier than the old ones. All I have to do is ask for what I do every night, a miracle. I need to have faith that I will survive to create new experiences. I finally understood that I was allowing my past to make me sicker.

If you are in a similar predicament-whether you are ill or healthy and simply unhappy- I am asking you to take stock of this particular subject in your life. Is your past blocking your present and eventually your future? Just take a quick, examining look at the subject. Be merciless in your assessment. If the answer is even a weak yes, do something about it. I know I have to work on more important issues from the past. The house was the easiest of them all. At least I started. Your turn now.  I shall report my progress. Will you share yours? It is therapeutic for all of us. It takes courage to strip your soul for the world to see. But it is worth it. People come out of nowhere in support of the truth and real need. Trust me. I am experiencing it and I am so grateful. Will you join us?   

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