I have not written for a while now, because I have been feeling poorly. Not just simple aches and dull pains. Not just lack of energy and dysthymia. The last 12 days have been HARD.
It started with just a sense of over fatigue, more than the usual, daily "I have to push my self, no matter how hard this task is." Getting up and down the stairs was a major accomplishment. The word "invitation" to even the most desirable event, came with fear. The pain was daily, ranging from dull to intense and continuous. The intake of painkillers became more often, because without them, I would be doubling over and screaming from pain.
It is exactly 6 months ago, when the "death sentence" was given to me. It read "life expectancy 6 months to a year." I did and I am still doing everything that I am supposed to "starve" the cancer cells. I am very careful with my diet and my supplements. I try to exercise, but during the 10 last days, it has proven impossible. Were the doctors right? Should I start preparing for my "departure?" I shall have the usual tests done and a PET scan, which shows exactly where the tumors are, as soon as my oncologist , can arrange for one.
I was ready for a miracle. I thought God wanted me to stay for a little longer. I started a business that will benefit, not just cancer patients, but patients afflicted by similar diseases. It will not be ready until the end of April, beginning of May, when I shall announce and invite everybody to participate and help all the hurt, wounded birds. I feel my wings are broken today. They do not seem to want to mend. But I need them. I need to fly for a little longer, so that millions of of others can benefit.
If I do not feel well, I can not help the ones that are in more difficult situations. I can not volunteer for Reiki sessions, or massage, or simple driving. I am becoming a burden myself. This coming Wednesday, I have to take my room mate, who is also afflicted by cancer, for her last procedure to finish reconstruction of her lost breasts. She counts on me. I have to feel well.
Whoever is reading this, please say a prayer for us. Just a simple request to the Higher Power to gift me a little more time to finish what I started. I am like the rest of the gravely ill people. I want to live years to see my son succeed in life, get married, create a family, procreate, the cliche, simple things that most people expect out of life. I want that too. But, the way thing are going, I shall settle for a "time window" to finish the projects that I started. It is not a matter of pride or ego for the first time. I simply want to see with my own eyes, that we can all be "heroes" to others. I want to be alive to see the smile and the happiness, hopefully, that my efforts will bring. Because I am convinced, they will.
I am aware that once in place, somebody else can run my projects and make them succeed. It is fine with me. All I want is to see the start of their blooming. People enjoying the reasons, I created them. Just a little more time, Lord.
I am not asking for Healing. If that is in the cards, it will be given to me, by my Jesus. He is my Guiding Light in this dreadful darkness. I shall ask him to give me a "pass" for a little bit longer. Can you ask your Guides or your source of Light, whatever it is, on my behalf, for the same? I will be so grateful.
My love and blessings from a Higher Power to all of you. Be kind to a person in pain. Extend your hand in support. You have no idea what it means to individuals with very few people in their lives, as myself. I depend on your kindness. You are not strangers to me. You are compassionate souls that I can not see and hear everyday. I wish I could. Some of you, are childhood friends, some friends made in this country. Most are total strangers. I am thankful to all. You are all supportive in your own way. From Vaya my 13 yr old "little diamond" as I call her, from Greece, the daughter of a childhood friend of mine, who also suffers from cancer, to Despina , my older "diamond" in my life. From Oceana, whom I never met, but I can not help but love, because she is so loving herself, to my own child, who is stoically watching his mom dying, trying to keep a brave appearance and make her comfortable.
Thank you all. I am sure God is going to listen to every body's prayer and He will decide what the outcome will be. And that will be fine with me. I know, at least I tried.